Eastern Conference All-Star Squee Team!

Yesterday I put together the Western Conference All-Star Squee Team. It was noted in the comments that had I written this post a week earlier or the trade didn’t happen, then Vesa Toskala would have been appointed to the team. You’ll have to read on to find out whether he made it on the Eastern Conference’s team or if he was out-hotted by another goalie. And yes, out-hotted is a word. It’s kind of like outplayed yet in order to be selected for the Squee Team you can’t outplay someone, you have to be hotter than another player, hence, out-hot. Additionally, in order to level the playing field, I am going to leave out Rick DiPietro and Vincent Lecavalier because they’re too hot. There’s absolutely no way anyone could compete with Rick and his slick eating skills and no one would be able to beat Vinny in a walk-off. Besides, we wouldn’t want to take the chance of one of them incurring a facial injury. With that said, Let’s git r dun.

Eastern Conference

Henrik Lundqvist (G) – With Ricky D out of contention the obvious choice is Henrik. I hate it when people call him Hank because Hank is such a nasal sounding word and Henrik sounds so much better. His beautiful eyes draw you in and the perfect pearly whites are almost always on display. He’s quite tan for a fella in NY but the color looks good on him, not too bronze or fake. He also has great hair that’s never flat and just the right amount of scruff that makes him look sexy and not sleazy. He knows how to dress himself and I should probably stop talking about him before I start to sound like a stalker or a crazed-obsessed woman, instead of a hockey fan appreciative of a hockey player who takes good care of himself.

Sheldon Souray (D) – I find it amusing that when I image-googled Sheldon Souray I received a lot of results for his wife. I can’t decide if I like him better with longer or shorter hair. He looks cleaner with shorter hair but he looks more rugged and disheveled with longer hair. I refuse to believe that he’s greasy and will stubbornly argue that he just looks like he took a shower or went for a swim.

Sidenote:I know that one of my friends would be screaming at me to list Joe Corvo, but ehhhh, he doesn’t really do it for me. He is too much of a badass to be squeeworthy. Just to clarify, I don’t mean badass as in, “he’s so f’ing awesome I want to give him a high five and then cuddle”, I mean badass as in “I’m not quite sure I want to get too close to him because he might knock me out”. But if you’re into those kind of badasses, like guys with mohawks, and like ‘em with tats, Joey C is your man.

Bryan McCabe (D) – I almost forgot about Bryan McCabe. He’s a cuter version of Dean Winters, the guy who played the sleazy boyfriend on SATC, he was the fuck buddy who mistook “going out for sushi” for well…you get the idea and was the pathetic, Beeper King of NY boyfriend on 30 Rock, who proclaimed that it wasn’t worth living because the Islanders had lost. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that McCabe is a dirty, dirty man. I’m sure McCabe is an awesome guy who just happens to look like he can charm the panties off any girl.

Ryan Malone (LW) – Look at those Goldilocks curls. He looks so cuddly, like a younger, but not quite as hot, Matthew McConaughey. Give him a year or two to grow into his fine looks. (ok, you got me, I was struggling to find a hot LW).

Martin St. Louis (RW) – On the All-Star Squee Team because of how damn cute he looked when he was embarrassed by Lecavalier saying the two of them “have a song”. Plus he’s bite size!

Once again, there are a chock full of squee worthy centers. Who to pick? Chris Drury, Daniel Briere, Scott Gomez, Antoine Vermette, or ET Sidney Crosby? I mainly listed those guys so you would know who came close to being the chosen one. I choose:

Chris Drury (C) – Some may hate how private and boring he is off-ice, but I like that about him. Not knowing much about him off-ice adds to the mysteriousness about him. His on-ice passion is amazing, his beard is only second to Niedermayer’s beard, and he just looks so damn adorable. Even if he chooses to sign with San Jose, or hell, even Anaheim, I will still think he’s one of the top squee-worthy players. Eek! I’m getting all mushy, but I can’t think of anything snarky to say!

So that’s it kiddies, the Western and Eastern Conference All-Star Squee Teams. Think my picks are absolute madness?! Then tell me who’s on your team! But remember the rules: no two players from the same NHL team may be picked, and only one goalie, two D, and three forwards (LW, RW, and C) may be selected for each Conference team. It’s not as easy as it looks.