Growing up I always liked Roenick (what I called him back in the day), probably because he was not only tough, but also a pretty damn good American-born hockey player. However, that was many, many school grades ago. Several seasons ago when the news broke that this fellow "JR" would be wearing a Kings jersey, I cringed. "Why now?" I asked in my nightly prayer to Dave Taylor. For some reason my hermano was very excited to have JR be a King but his friend put it best: this is 10 years too late. The only time I was excited with JR's play was his pathetic shootout goal (which shouldn't have even counted because he took two swipes at it) against Nashville that closed the deal for a win. The rest of the season he was nothing but an incredible disappointment...correction: he didn't disappoint me since I expected him to be worthless from the beginning of the season. However, he did piss me off to no end with his constant whining and complaining and absolute refusal to just be that veteran presence in the locker room. Everytime I read that he complained AGAIN about not getting enough ice time I wanted to scream "YOU'RE OLD!!" and everytime I read that he used that damn "skate problem" as an excuse for not playing well I wanted to scream "STOP MAKING EXCUSES!! YOU'RE OLD!!" I laughed when he went to Phoenix and laughed even harder when Gretzky limited his ice time and I fell over laughing when he was reprimanded for not staying at the arena and watching the game when he was injured or a healthy scratch (but, really, what's the difference it's JR, and "being old" qualifies as both an injury and a healthy scratch).
This summer I couldn't believe it when San Jose signed JR and I was quick to comment that SJ was now cursed; doesn't matter that they have a very talented team because JR will undoubtedly bring them crashing down. With JR's 500th goal quickly approaching (I still can't believe he has 3 goals and 2 assists in 7 games...that is not supposed to happen) I give you, in no particular order (although feel free to vote in the comments) the Top 5 Ways JR Could Score His 500th Goal.
1. Courtesy of Schnookie:
I feel like opposing teams should be helping him out more with this; like, after he touches the puck they would just pick it up and throw it into their own nets.
2. Courtesy of Alix:
We can just have the Sharks play the Canucks again. For some reason they love giving JR multiple chances to get goals. 2 in one game. Ugh. (Ed. note: ok, Alix, I'll give you another one) JR could be whining to a ref about a call, the ref could go to punch him out, as JR is flying backwards down the ice, he could push the puck in with his behind.
3. Courtesy of Pookie:
Oh! I know! JR could get credited for his 500th when he’s the last person to touch the puck before McCabe shoots it off both posts before it tickles into his own net with 3 seconds left in overtime!
(Ed. note: Too bad own goals don't count as goals because it would be classic if his 500th is an own goal in overtime a la Bryan McCabe. Although, really, if it happens I'm sure everyone would still make fun of him and call it the 500th-A goal and then call the actual 500th goal, 500th-B. And then we could brand the puck with an asterik and make note in the HHOF (if it ever makes it there) that his first 500th goal was an own goal.)
4. Courtesy of Me:
The Sharks are in the offensive zone, JR is stacked like a mack truck blocking the opposition's netminder. A Sharks d-man blasts a slap shot from the blue line, it violently deflects off JR's massive, disfigured nose and into the net. (Of course, since I wish no hockey player any permanent injury, he's okay to play after sitting out a couple games.)
5. Another one courtesy of Pookie:
JR could be standing in front of the net studying the menu for the restaurant across the street from the arena and the puck could bounce off him and into the net. (Ed. note: and then when the puck goes in he'll skate off the ice, go to the restaurant and declare his retirement.)
Bonus! Patty (in Dallas) thought long and hard about her vision of JR's 500th goal:
JR could be standing around during the play, trying to find the camera with the red light on, when the puck grazes his hairdo on the way into the net.
I just know that if JR was still with the Kings and I wrote this post, he would never get his 500th goal. I hope this post will still jinx him but I doubt it. I'm sure he'll score that goal soon, but I just hope it happens in one of the 5 ways mentioned above. Meh! I'll just give him an early 'Congrats!'